Last year a heinous crime was reported in the news where a man killed his girlfriend over trust and insecurity issues. They were in love and were living together but not married. Often the thought is, that if two people love each other, they won’t harm each other. But that’s not the case, definitely not in this story because the man murdered, killed, and stored the body parts at home before discarding them.

The Question often asked is, why does that happen? How is it possible for anyone to kill those who they love?

There’s an old saying, “All that Glitters is not Gold.” Here we can say, that all that looks like love isn’t true love.

Young People long for a true loving relationship. They are looking for that one person who will love them unconditionally. They long to experience the kind of love and affection others experience; especially those portrayed in the movies. But, if you were to talk to people who have been married for at least 5-10 years. They will say, that what is often portrayed in movies, or other entertainment is not a true love but an obsession. In a sense, it’s an unhealthy form of love. Here’s a disclaimer: I am not painting everyone with the same brush, there are healthy forms of love that are portrayed in the movies however, that is a small percentage, majority is either toxic, or a form a love that is not sustainable in marriage. Perhaps, you may wonder why don’t these directors’ potray real love in their movies ?

Truth is, If they show the true kind of love…they can’t make money out of that. True love is not a marketable commodity. But a false, obsessive, psychopathic, and crazy love does make lot of money. That is why a false idea of love is portrayed and sold to us via movies.

Destructive Dating Relationships.

Not all that glitters is gold, also not all relationships are meant to be. Just because two people are in love some may assume that everything is great but that may be far from the truth. There are many stuck in a toxic relationship that is slowly ebbing their life and God-given potential. If you are stuck in one, it’s time to rethink and make changes so that you don’t continue in this toxic-abusive relationship.

In this subject, “destructive dating relationships”, I’d like to talk about three aspects of a destructive relationship.

1. Emotional Enmeshment
2. Abuse & Violence
3. Sexual Intimacy

1. Emotional enmeshment

Emotional enmeshment occurs when an individual loses her identity in an overwhelming desire to be accepted by another. In a dating relationship, enmeshed couples desire to be together all the time; they are possessive of their partner, and may often appear as carbon copies of their partner. For instance, they will always try to dress in similar colors, styles and etc., So that they can show the world how they are dedicated to each other. Such people trade their individuality for acceptance.

Enmeshment is not limited to dating but can occur in any social relationship. Quite often this may not look like a problem and may seem normal. But the problem is instead of celebrating their unique personality differences, emotionally enmeshed couples rarely discuss their differences or conflicts for fear it will cause them to break up.

Emotional Enmeshment opens the door for toxicity and abuse in relationships. For instance, Individuals in this sort of relationship feel obligated to “rescue” their partner, and are quite likely to stay in a relationship even when abuse is present. Usually couples in such relationships are very hesitant to break up because their sense of identity deeply intertwined in their partner.

How do we identify “Emotional Enmeshment”?

Are you emotionally enmeshed ?

Consider the following questions.

• Has your partner broken other friendships to focus solely on your relationship, leaving them with no one else to talk but you?
• Does your partner constantly share all their worries, and burdens with you to a point where your emotional connection is primarly built around thier sad stories ?
• Does your partner expect to the match your clothing with theirs ? If not they get upset ?
• Do you have to report all your daily activities to the last detail and if you don’t, your partner feels upset as though it’s a sign that you don’t love them?

If your answer to all these questions is “YES”? You are likely in an emotional enmeshment-type relationship.

Sometimes, “Madly in Love” may just mean an emotional Enmeshment.

2. Abuse & Violence

• Violence and abuse are common in a destructive dating relationship.
  • Statistics now show that one in five teens in a serious relationship reports having been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner.
  • In addition, about 25 percent of young women in college reported experiencing an attempted or completed rape while in school.

3. Sexual Intimacy

In destructive dating relationships sexual initmacy occurs most commonly among teenagers, & anyone in the early 21-22.

Often, one partner may be quiet and introverted, yet desperate for love while the other is wild, and extroverted but also seeking affection. When both come together, the adventurous partner may push boundaries and experiment in ways they shouldn’t. In early stages, their mutual desperation and excitement can cloud their judgement, making it difficult to recognise and respect boundaries.

They engage in activities they shouldn’t, leading to a relationship that eventually becomes driven by one person’s desire for physical pleasure. In such cases, sex is used as a tool to keep the other person bound to that relationship.

As a parent, I strongly believe no one should fall in love before the age of 24-25. Simply because they don’t understand what true love is. Falling in love at a younger age often leads to impulsive experiences rather than genuine commitment.

Entertainment and movies today preaches such messages all the time— teenagers are encouraged to fall in love at a very early age. Coupled with easy access to pornography, this exposure can lead them to explore risky sexual behaviors.

What are the signs of sexual abuse?

Relationships are driven by sexual initmacy often start with high hopes, but soon deteriorate into abuse and demands.

Here are few warning signs:

• He is resentful if she does not comply with his requests.
• He criticizes her for the way she looks, talks, or behaves and tells her that she’ll never find anyone else to love her.
• He wants to control whom she talks to, where she goes, and what she does.
• He demands to know where she is at all times.
• He hits her or threatens to hit her.
• He forces her to become sexually intimate all the time.
  • If that doesn’t happen.. abuse follows.
• If one choose to leaves.
  • Threaten
  • Commit Suicide
  • Physical Harm
  • No Control over their emotions.

This can be either applied either way.

How to break away from such relationships:

1. Ask yourself why you got into that relationship in the first place.
   1. Teenagers & young adults often fall into such relationships because growing up they didn’t feel loved enough.
   2. As a result, they have started to look for love in all the wrong places. That’s how they got into this relationship.
      
2. Take steps towards break-up
   1. Fix your relationship with your parents.
      1. Tell them what has been happening.
      2. Find help first, before breaking up.
      3. Talk to your pastor or church counsellor
      4. Find a brother/sister who can help you.
         
3. Seek God’s Help
   1. Destructive relationships are very toxic
   2. Often it will be like a demonic stronghold over your life.
   3. God is able to help and deliver you.
      
4. Stop responding to blackmail & emotional threats
   1. When you decide to breakup, emotional threats will follow and sometimes it may be physical. But learn to leave and take the first step.
      
5. Return those gifts/things that may remind you of that person.
   
6. Get a counselor
   • A counselor can help you understand why this relationship might be destructive in the long term. They can provide insights into underlying issues and guide you in addressing potential problems before they escalate.

Here’s the worst that some often do.

They deny that such abuse is a problem and continue thinking perhaps after marriage he might change. Remember this, never marry an abusive man or a woman. If they are used to hitting you before marriage, they will continue doing so after marriage, perhaps even more.

Good Dating Principles:

1. Date a person who is a Christian and shares the same values
2. Date a person who is emotionally mature.
   • Choosing a partner who is emotionally mature is crucial for women. An emotionally mature man not only brings stability and understanding into the relationship but also sets a positive example at home, fostering emotional maturity in the children as they grow.
3. Set boundaries ahead of time
   • Go only on group dates.
   • Plan dates in advance, rather than just “seeing what happens.”
   • Do not spend time alone together at each other’s home.
   • Do not lie down together.
   • Do not hang out in a bedroom.
   • Avoid dark or lonely places in town.
   • Do not touch or caress each other’s body.
   • Stay away from parties or gatherings where alcohol, drugs, and sexual acts will be present.
   • Treat your boyfriend as a treasure belonging to God.
4. Pursue holiness in your relationship. Remember that you are called to be holy.
5. Get counsel from family and friends
   1. As a young person, it’s important to seek guidance from older, wiser couples with healthy marriages. Their experience can help you discern whether the person you’re dating is truly good for you. Find a couple in your church or community who can hold you accountable to high dating standards and provide sound biblical advice. Their support can be invaluable as you navigate your relationship.
   2. Take the time to get to know your boyfriend’s parents. While this may seem traditional, it’s important to remember that if you decide to get married, his parents will likely be a regular part of your life. For guys, pay attention to how your girlfriend treats her father, and for girls, observe how your boyfriend treats his mother. These interactions can offer valuable insights into the behavior your partner may exhibit in your relationship and future marriage.
6. Most important: Place God at the Center of Your Relationship.