Purposeful Dating: Moving Beyond the What to the Why
When we approach the subject of dating and relationships, a crucial foundation must first be laid: unless you are genuinely prepared to get married, you shouldn't be dating.
But let’s assume you are in that right state of mind. You are ready for marriage, and you begin to look for a suitable partner. As you start this journey, there is something vital you need to understand. Christian dating and marriage are not just about finding the prettiest girl, the most handsome boy, or the person who makes your heart skip a beat. It goes so much deeper than that.
True Christian relationship looks at the ultimate purpose: How can my relationship glorify God?
This doesn’t mean beauty and attraction don’t matter at all. They certainly play a role. But there are other factors that play a far more critical part in your future. I want to talk to you about The "Why" Factor.
The Difference Between "What" and "Why"
The secular world understands the power of purpose. Motivational speaker and author Simon Sinek often talks about how great leaders inspire people. He highlights that instead of just telling people what to do, great leaders tell them why they should do it.
Think about an office setting. If a CEO comes to a team leader and simply gives them a list of tasks, it’s just another chore. But if that CEO explains why they are doing it, the task transforms into a mission. The employee understands it better, feels inspired, and becomes part of a bigger purpose.
If we take this exact principle and apply it to dating and marriage, it changes everything. It makes your relationship purposeful. Instead of only asking yourself, "What boy or girl do I want?" you must start asking, "Why this girl?" or "Why this boy?"
Many marriages fail because people get married simply because they don't want to be alone. It was just a box to check on their life list. But when a young man and a young woman come together with a shared purpose, understanding God’s calling over their lives and what He wants them to do together, that marriage becomes something powerful. That is purposeful dating leading to a purposeful marriage.
Our God is not random or accidental. He is a God of intention. If He created you, He created you with a purpose.
Look at
Matthew 6:33: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
This verse contains both a command and a promise. The command is to seek first His Kingdom. The promise is that all these things shall be added unto you—a promise of a rich, meaningful life. When a husband and wife come together and say, "We are together because we desire to glorify God, fulfill His purpose, and serve others," their marriage will flourish.
Author Gary Thomas noted that when you understand the why of marriage, you will make a wiser choice about the who.
Two Tales of Marriage
The following content is an excerpt from Gary Thomas’ book, It’s not about whom by why you marry”
To understand the weight of this choice, consider two different realities.
The Tears of Pain
A faithful pastor once shared through tears, "Let me be honest with you. My marriage has constituted the biggest cross of my life." His tears provided a sobering picture of the weight he carries every single day. Instead of his marriage launching him into new opportunities, providing encouragement, sustenance, and hope, it acts like dead weight. God continues to use him, but he walks his journey with a rock in his shoe that hurts him with every single step.
The Tears of Joy
On the other hand, a woman in her thirties shared through tears of a completely different kind about her husband’s care for her. She had been dealing with serious health issues, and life had been incredibly hard. But her husband was her rock. She said, "Next to Jesus, my husband has been the greatest joy in my life. I can’t even imagine where I’d be without him or how I would have faced all that I have without him by my side."
One person cries tears of pain, working as hard as he can to keep a relationship together that saps his strength. The other weeps out of pure gratitude for a spouse who loves her so well. One relationship feels like bearing a heavy cross; the other feels like a foretaste of heaven.
Ten years after you say "I do," what kind of tears will you be crying? If you want tears of joy, you must focus on the why right now.
Marriage is like a door with just one entry—you enter, and the door shuts. Many people today, including Christians, think, "If this doesn't work out, I'll just find someone else." That is not biblical marriage. Once you are married, every evening, every weekend, every morning will be marked, for good or ill, by that relationship.
The person you marry is the last face you see at night and the first face you see in the morning. Their words will either build you up or tear you down. Their presence will either be a healing balm or a painful reminder of what could have been.
The Danger of Cultural Views
Our culture views marriage almost entirely through the lens of personal happiness, defining that happiness by romantic intensity and sexual chemistry. The mindset is: "He makes me happy right now, so I will marry him."
Sociologists have found that since the 1960s, people are demanding more and more from love, yet getting less and less out of their marriages. Most people marry based on a feeling of happiness, but few remain happy for very long.
Let's look at how feelings can mislead us:
- For Women: Psychologically, women are often drawn to dominant men because of romantic intensity. However, dominant men statistically tend to show less capacity for the long-term companionship and emotional connection that a woman actually needs. Going strictly by feelings might cause a woman to choose a guy who thrills her for eighteen months as a boyfriend, but frustrates her for fifty years as a husband.
- For Men: Men are highly inclined to base romantic love on physical attraction. But physical appearance is the one thing guaranteed to change. Marriage isn’t about being young together; it’s about growing old together.
The truth is, what draws most of us into a relationship is rarely the ingredient that sustains long-term happiness.
Understanding the "Hourglass" of Infatuation
Focusing on God's purpose keeps us from falling into the trap of mere infatuation. The way God wired our brains, infatuation resembles an hourglass. The moment you become completely smitten by someone, that hourglass gets turned over.
On average, there is only enough sand in that hourglass to last about twelve to eighteen months. Sometimes it trickles on for two years, but rarely longer, and never with the same intensity. Infatuation cannot sustain a lifelong relationship.
How do you know if you are simply infatuated? Anthropologists and psychologists point to specific neurological markers:
- You focus only on their good traits and completely minimize their flaws.
- You experience extreme energy, sleeplessness, and emotional highs and lows.
- You develop an obsessive fixation on "winning" the person.
- Your passion actually grows stronger when people oppose the relationship.
- You become completely dependent on the relationship and experience anxiety when apart.
In this state of mind, you are in no position to make an objective, wise choice. Your brain is literally experiencing a neurochemical reaction that impedes your ability to see realistically.
I remember talking with a young woman who was planning to marry her boyfriend. When I asked her about his weaknesses, she blushed and said, "You know, that's what's so amazing. I don't think he has any. I guess I just got lucky."
That is the blindness of infatuation. When you are in that state, your brain has only two goals: get that person, and keep that person. They could do terrible things, but your feelings will cling to them anyway.
The Power of the Flesh vs. The Holy Spirit
Uncontrolled, purely emotional romantic love can become incredibly dangerous. Statistics show that an alarming number of domestic crimes and acts of violence are committed by people whose "romantic love" was rejected or broken.
Emotions are incredibly powerful things; we must not play around with them. You need to ensure that the person you are with has power over their emotions. If you are going to make yourself completely vulnerable to another human being, you want a partner who is ruled by the Holy Spirit, not someone ruled by the flesh.
Two emotionally secure, spiritually mature individuals can respect and love each other deeply without the desperate, obsessive clinginess or euphoric mood swings of infatuation. The absence of drama doesn’t mean they love each other less—it means they are grounded.
A good marriage is the closest two people will ever come to heaven this side of eternity, but a bad marriage can feel like the absolute opposite. These deep marital struggles usually erupt from trying to build a life together without a shared mission.
There isn't a person alive who can keep you completely enthralled by their looks or personality for fifty or sixty years. Selfish people—no matter how beautiful, wealthy, or famous—eventually get bored with each other. Without a shared kingdom mission, the relationship that once felt like life will begin to feel like a prison.
Wisdom Waits
All of this points to one undeniable truth: Wisdom waits. Wisdom is patient. Acting hastily based on the initial rush of romantic feelings is foolish.
As Proverbs 29:20 reminds us:
"Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him."
Brain scans show a massive difference between couples who have been in love for eight months and those who have been together for over two years. By the two-year mark, the initial chemical rush has faded, and couples have a far more realistic, honest view of their partner.
As children of God, we are not creatures ruled purely by biological impulses. We are image-bearers of the Creator. He has redeemed us and given us His Holy Spirit to empower us, correct us, and guide our choices.
Before you commit your life to someone, look past the feelings. Look past the "what," and fix your eyes on the "why." Find someone who shares your desire to seek first the Kingdom of God, and build your future on a foundation that will last a lifetime.